A joke a day keeps the doctor away!
A guy found a penguin and showed him to a policeman.
The policeman said, “Take that penguin to the zoo, now.”
Next day the policeman sees the man with the penguin again.
The policeman stops the guy and says, “What on earth are you doing with that penguin?”
The guy says, “Well, just as you said, I took him to the zoo yesterday, and now I am taking him to the cinema...”
A man hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of it.
He drove 20 blocks away from home and dropped the cat there. The cat was already walking up the driveway when he approached his home.
The next day, he decided to drop the cat 40 blocks away but the same thing happened.
He kept on increasing the number of blocks but the cat kept on coming home before him. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right and so on until he reached what he thought was a perfect spot and dropped the cat there.
Hours later, the man calls his wife at home and asked her, "Jen, is the cat there?" "Yes, why do you ask?" answered the wife. Frustrated, the man said, "Put that cat on the phone, I'm lost and I need directions."
A duck walks into a bar and asks, "Got any grapes?"
The bartender, confused, tells the ducks that no, his bar doesn't serve grapes. The duck thanks him and leaves. The next day, the duck returns and says, "Got any grapes?"
Again, the bartender tells him that, no, the bar does not serve grapes, has never served grapes, and, furthermore, will never serve grapes. The duck, a little ruffled, thanks him and leaves.
The next day, the duck returns, but before he can say anything, the bartender begins to yell: ''Listen, duck! This is a bar! We do not serve grapes! If you ever ask for grapes again, I will nail your stupid duck beak to the bar!''
The duck is silent for a moment, and then asks, ''Got any nails?''
Confused, the bartender says no.
''Good!'' says the duck. ''Got any grapes?''
Two campers were hiking in the forest when all of a sudden a bear jumps out of a bush and starts chasing them. Both campers start running for their lives, when one of them stops and starts to put on his running shoes.
His partner says, "What are you doing? You can't outrun a bear!"
His friend replies, "I don't have to outrun the bear, I only have to outrun you!"
A guy walks into a bar with his dog on a leash. The barman says, “That is a weird dog: he's stumpy-legged, pink, and doesn't have a tail, but I bet my rottweiler would beat the heck out of it.”
50 bucks is laid down. Out in the yard the rottweiler quickly gets bitten and defeated.
Another drinker says his pit bull will win but the bet is 100 bucks.
Another trip to the yard and after a while the fierce pit-bull terrier is disgracefully running away. The drinker pays up and says, “Say what breed is that anyway?”
The owner says, “Until I cut his tail off and painted it pink it was the same breed as every other alligator.”
A customer walks into a restaurant and notices a large sign on the wall, "$500 if we fail to fulfil your order!”
When his waitress arrives, he orders elephant tail on rye. She calmly writes down his order and walks into the kitchen where all hell breaks loose!
The restaurant owner comes storming out of the kitchen. He runs up to the customer's table, slaps five $100 bills down on it and says, "You got me that time buddy, but I want you to know that's the first time in ten years we've been out of rye bread!"
A man tripped on the stairs and broke his leg. The doctor
put a cast on it and warned that he wasn't to use the stairs until the cast
Four months later he removed the cast and pronounced him well on the way to recovery.
"Oh good," the man responded. "Is it all right for me to walk the stairs now?"
"Yes," said the doctor, "if you promise to be careful."
"I can't tell you what a relief it will be," he sighed. "It was such a nuisance climbing up and down that drainpipe all the time!"